Who else has difficulty finding interesting things to write? Lately, I’ve been suffering from a severe case of writer’s block. Several times throughout the last months ideas have popped into my mind, usually at night, and I forget them by morning. One goal for the month of June is to keep a notepad beside the bed so I record these ideas for the next day.
Part of my problem is finding my voice. I tend to be sarcastic and I’m never sure how these snarks come across in writing. However, one rule of writing is find your voice. If people don’t like it I suppose they don’t have to read it, right?
Not too long ago I stumbled across a post on The Truth, a blog I follow. The name of the post is The Truth Register (True Confessions). The blog’s author, The Free Thinker, invites others to confess some of their truths. The thought was something different so I thought, why not write a few down. Below, you’ll find my True Confessions.
1. I am terrified of spiders. Terrified to the point it is an actual phobia. My brother-in-law lived three houses down from us many years ago and one night three wolf-spiders were in the kitchen jumping at each other. I had my six-month-old with me and ran to the backroom to call my brother-in-law. He came, took care of the problem, and hasn’t let me live it down in the last 26 years.
2. I love thunderstorms as long as the tornados keep to themselves.
3. I’m pretty sure I was meant to be a mermaid. I LOVE the water.
4. I’m an avid reader of many genres.
These are honest truths and, yes, I am still terrified of spiders. I’m also a verified and admitted people pleaser, which feeds into my issues with writer’s block. Also, I do suffer from paranoia. Always a nice personality trait to add to everything else. All-in-all I laugh off most things, my family questions my sanity. I can’t say I blame them.
My coping mechanisms are lacking though, for the most part, they work for me.
In closing, I have no idea what to title this post because I have honestly just written a bunch of crap. A scary peek into my brain and thought processes. While I can follow my train of thought, I doubt others are so lucky!
I’m here hiding in my bedroom because I am a little scared, slightly mentally drained, and angry as hell. My bedroom is my safe space and my pup makes me smile. It is a place I can come and get away from my day, rest a little, maybe watch TV or read a book, and recharge. Everyone should have a safe place where they can be themselves and not have to pretend to be happy, excited, joyful, or any other feeling.
When I was much younger I took a baseball bat to the back of my bedroom door because… well, I don’t even remember except to say I must have been angry. These days, I have an abundance of pillows to throw, punch, and scream into. A much less destructive coping mechanism. What it lacks in force it makes up for in fury. Today, I am here because I don’t have any idea what else to do.
Posting about the most talked-about disease in the world was never my intention but at the root of my emotions is a tiny particle of the unknown. I not only suffer from mental illness but also have lupus, RA, and fibromyalgia which firmly places me into the “high-risk” category and it sucks. Most days I am fine chilling around the house but, just like a child, somebody tells me to isolate myself and I want to be among the crowds. Hmmm… if only I knew where the crowds were because everything is either shut down or pick up your food and leave.
My mother is ill and my sister and I are worried about her. Is it just some nasty virus other than COVID19? Is she going to be okay? What if my dad gets it? I last talked to Mom a bit ago and all her x-rays and blood work are normal so she will continue with the antibiotic prescribed and I am certain she will feel better in a few days. When every other article I read is about this dreaded virus, one can’t help but wonder.
My oldest daughter is pregnant and I am going to be a hmmm… some other word than grandma… but I am super excited. However, she falls into the high-risk group of virus prey. She’ll be fine, the baby will be fine, and her wife will be fine; they are just having to spend their birthdays cooped up inside their home.
My youngest daughter just came home from Oklahoma City today and walked into an entirely new set of rules. Yes, we are conserving food, which means you eat left-overs. Oh, and she’s 19, so yes, she can cook for herself. Showering every day is not an option. She opts for every other day, but for all of our health, I have instated a once a day showering rule. Hands must be washed with soap and water, sanitized, and any surface used must also be sanitized. No exceptions.
Honestly, I usually use soap and water to wipe down the counters because I’m not a huge believer in overusing antibacterial cleaners on the regular because they do cause damage. And, if you think months down the road we won’t see a super-bacteria that cannot be treated with everyday antibiotics, my friend, you are mistaken. For now, however, I have jumped upon the good antibacterial ship.
But what I am most angry about is how far behind the USA is in dealing with this disaster that bounded for our borders on every passenger plane, cargo plane, and cargo ship coming from China and every other part of the world. Hear me… the USA was not, is not, and never will be immune to illnesses borne in other places. There should have been plenty of tests ready from the word go. Our hospitals should not have to conserve tests for only those who meet the criteria, one of which is traveling outside the country. HUGE NEWS: COVID19 is now inside our borders. A person only has to travel down the street to get it. Our country should not fall at the bottom of civilized countries in healthcare.
According to the Health Care Index by Country, we fall at 30th behind countries such as Qatar (18th), Isreal (19th), Ecuador (26th), Mexico (27th), Lithuania (29th), and the USA (30th).* Numbeo 2020
I’m not debating insurance here, only our healthcare. “…the Commonwealth Fund has rated the U.S. healthcare system as the worst among the 11 developed nations it analyzed as part of an evaluation conducted every three years.” This is a Newsweek article published in 2017. * Newsweek 2017
So, yes, I am depressed, anxious, angry, and annoyed with this whole mess as I imagine others are also.
Now that my rant is done, I’m going to shower, do a bit of yoga and deep breathing, and watch something indulgent on television. My suggestion to all who are feeling a bit like I do is to get it out, make your feelings known (constructively), and do what you can to move forward into the next phase of self-isolating and social-distancing. However, there is always some equally as indulgent social media sites to peruse. My oldest prefers a Shih Tzu page on Facebook. Me, I love to watch Trevor Noah whether it is on the Daily Show or his stand-up comedies on Netflix. As for the younger daughter, TikTok (me shaking my head and rolling my eyes). The hubby is all about his video games.
Whatever it is you do, make it positive, and even when you feel alone, know you are never alone in this big crazy world!